Removing the Anvil

I have, for many years, not been a person prone to crying. Most events like weddings, funerals, hurts, joys, pms, whatever, are things which make people produce this phenomenon of water bursting out of your eyeballs but for some reason, for many years, I wanted so badly to be able to cry but I just couldn't. Walls had been built up in my life, and even though crying doesn't change a situation or even make it better, it is a symbol of vulnerability which most don't want to show and I am one of those people. Building those walls wasn't just a matter of guarding my heart, it was a matter of making it unreachable. For a while I wouldn't even allow myself to cry by the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and pushing down that emotion made me feel like I was carrying a 5-ton anvil in my heart. I have even been proud of my hard heart at times, thinking it was a way of being tough, like the world just can't reach me! But I realized that having a hard heart only makes me more like the world, rather than someone the world cannot get to. Having a hard heart doesn't bring me closer to God, and neither does is make me more like God. All it does is makes me inpenetrable by the working of the Holy Spirit when He wants to work in me, and makes it harder for me to relate to others. One of the hardest things for me to do is approach someone and tell them why I feel a certain way, or tell them I'm upset, or share something which could possibly make me feel uncomfortable. But relationships are about being open and loving each other, no matter where you are coming from or what the past tells. In all my experiences not one of my true friends have ever rejected me because of my imperfection, and neither have I rejected them. Why? Because we are all imperfect and live in a fallen world where we are saved by grace and grace alone. One of the most powerful tools the devil uses against us is the fear of being truly known, and therefore makes us think it's okay to wear that facade of being perfectly okay. It's worse to be "perfectly okay" (because no one really is), than to be "not okay" and be honest with yourself and others. What does this have to do with crying? Crying is just one way to express emotion, and even though I know it doesn't change the situation, my tears have been a sign that God has been working and molding my heart. Maybe for you it's something different, but for me it's simply allowing myself to be open with Jesus, allowing myself be vulnerable....a scary place to be when you've been so guarded for so long, but the best place to be with the Savior who already knows why you're scared, what you're scared of, and is willing to take the anvil out of your heart. This is what He means by saying, "my burden is light"...because we give Him ours and we are suddenly free. To you, my dear friend and prayer partner, thank you for encouraging me to be open and honest....and my true self....you are a priceless treasure.